Behind closed eyes is definitely one of the more “special” songs on my first album The Insides
It was one of the first songs I wrote with Einar Tonsberg for the album and it was instantly one of our favourites.
It also proved to be with the public.
We released it as a single in Belgium and we had the great luck of getting to play the song on prime time Belgian tv show De Laatste Show. Normally I would play with my band but the show already had a house band and so they asked if I would play with them.
There was literally one run through with the band before the live prime time evening show and the song required me to sing and play cello at the same time.
I was so nervous but the band were incredible and played the song perfectly even in the very first run through.. The performance was actually a big success even with the nerves (I have watched a recording of the show back and don’t understand how I appear to look so calm when I was actually totally bricking it) – I guess it’s not true that the camera never lies.
Anyway the next day after the performance our little Belgian tour was sold out (the power of television) and we also got invited to play many fantastic festivals over in Belgium.
I remember that being a really happy magic time…I became a connoisseur of Belgian beer and got a stalker (luckily pretty harmless) I guess that’s what you get for selling A1 sized posters of yourself to drunken revellers.
When listen back to the song now I hear how much of it is about my combined fear and awe of the future – a strength of feeling pretty unique in some ways to my twenties…I am still of course in fear and awe of the future but the emotion is less overwhelming now…I guess in some ways the years have chilled me out a bit.
I remember in interviews I would often talk about how the songs were written mainly about observations of other people, and I think I truly believed that at the time. I did a part time job typing clinic notes for a psychiatrist so I heard a lot of torment and craziness. But honestly now when I listen back, I realise how much of it is just me trying to make sense of my own life at the time.
Which is actually sort of lovely as I get to be me now meeting young me in the songs – sort of like going back in time.
I just wish I could talk to her too, tell her not to worry too much, everything would be as it was meant to…that life’s ok even when it’s not what you imagined…full of dark spots but beautiful bright bright moments too.